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mea culpa


I relented.
And with this premise have already understood everything.
But let's order.
Friday evening I was dragged to a party,
all the way I thought of a good excuse to go home, he no longer wants
,
I was tired, I did not want to be late, I did not want to take a taxi, not I wanted to socialize.
Luckily I did not occurred to anyone, because otherwise I would have lost a fantastic evening!
The place was small but the band played a ska music half dance half-soul, and all danced!
more than disco! When
then in addition to some piece of blues brother have reinterpreted "I want to be like you," the jungle book with lots of accompanying the trumpet player I wanted to hug the whole band. The Jamaican
next to me must have thought the same thing only that he preferred ballet outside with a super-sensual, alternating between me and my friends for the next 4 songs. The band was so
tedescarichiamando all Germans in South Tyrol and Erasmus within 100 km.
This has meant that entertain a conversation with a guy half of Dresden, which has sought to wonder if those who call themselves communists in Italy are "true communist ya? Or just socialists?". With so much disgusted face and waved a hand as if to say "incompetent"!
The evening is going well, but around half past midnight I realized that there were too many couples who were dancing and hugging and kissing I thought to send a message all'uomodelgatto telling him it was one ...
time half an hour and it was there (eeeehhh men! You are willing to do).
With this I have also received my share of passionate kisses with music and lots of materials to be I saved a disturbing return by taxi.
The only thing I regret is not having seized the opportunity at various times that we were only to tell him what I had promised myself to say. just heard the words uttered at the tip of my tongue always seemed wrong.
But I promise you that if there were a next time, I will!
I PROMISE!
for the rest home was a weekend, Saturday and Sunday passed in the house with poor performance in the study, despite yesterday because I went to bed at 5 to 8 am I was wide-eyed, and today because the snowflakes seemed to me a excellent source of distraction. I am so
-nothing these days that I have not even remembered grocery shopping so I eat two nights are like an American in the office, pizza delivery tonight and Friday with creakers formaggio.Bello sucks. How
guide would say that the heart is recovering although in most of the time I'm floating in a listless limbo.
but .... "Tomorrow is another day" ... someone said!

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step by step


the days pass,
claw grip has loosened to the chest, the tears seem
exhausted and I are also returning a bit of hunger,
the other night I was dragged to a band contest blues music and last night at the cinema.
my roommate has become my shadow, so I can hold my head up enough workers.
sometimes I have moments when I feel myself rise out of this malaise,
more I see the glimmer of light at your fingertips,
but then I see a scooter on the street which was the same as its always get me,
aftershave from soap and water that he used always,
the couple who does the grocery shopping as we did when we ....
again and I feel that punch in the chest ...
tonight then I dreamed of coming back to me and when I woke up and I realized that was not true I wanted to cry all the rage to tear the lungs.

these days then I'm suffering from "anxiety of change,"
do not know why but from my years in Scotland any change (geographic) I has always caused some problems.
why I was so orgolgiosa to be able to change and may go to another city far away from the safety of home.
The fact trigger the issue are all my close friends who speak of Erasmus ...
apparently if all applications must be in port next year I will remain alone!
How many things will change?
How much would change for the better pout with A.?
Hopefully next year I graduate and who knows if I choose to do the specialist if I decide not to attend and return home, if I go somewhere else ...
and if I get home I will not have a stable social life,
will not know anyone,
I will remain alone in the midst of the campaign with only goats and chickens to be my dog \u200b\u200bcompany.

Ok I have to stop.

Then change the subject to speak of man's cat.
I have not had time to return that started the attack.
email: "I knew the direction that you're back, come out to celebrate the return to the north or prefrisci shame and disgrace?"
preferred the latter two as destroyed by the train.
the next morning I find her a missed call in the night, one of my friend E. with such a message.
"is the man with the cat, we want boobs,
many udders to milk and eat because we like so much. Amiamo.baci you"
(if there was wondering where to check the word 'breast' is because the committee was studying animal husbandry).
then told me he did not do is ask me and complain that I wanted ...
and if in vino veritas ....
the other day in chat jokingly accused me of never writing and to be acidic.
actually true. but maybe it should be noted that even if he has a girlfriend somewhere in northern Europe north.
Beloved followers let me be the voice of conscience and moral support.
I have to keep faith with my good intentions.
I can not give in just because I'm lonely.

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barely two days have passed "by the refusal" and I can not recover.
continue to repeat and repeat all the things that were not, all the grounds for anger and disillusionment that led us to leave twice.
yet I can not resign myself to the person I loved for four years, said that even four months ago to worship and doted on me now I do not want a meeting.
hurts so much.
I never suffered so much for someone.
and think that the only person who could make me feel good is the one that cause me such suffering.
now I'm obsessed, the more I try to rationalize the more my brain continues to plot ways to take it back, to see him, to convince him.
I would call all our friends to ask him to talk ... to convince him ....
I can not resign.
is true I have always complained about him, with others, and also in my blog.
But I never said the things I felt and feel good with him.
that in fact we had made plans together for the future.
even on our hypothetical wedding would be fun with all your friends from high school.
let go of A. It also means leaving a whole part of my life, part of me that will never come back, it was still a teenager, he had to learn so many things.
I try to listen to that little voice inside me that knows that everything will get better, that will pass, that incontreò someone else.
I'm trying with my whole being.
but the only thing that I feel this is chest pain that distresses me and leaves me breathless.

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end

Eventually I did.
I told him I wanted to talk to him and so we felt on Skype video call.
see them again after four months on the screen even if it was unsettling.
I put my heart in my hand, I told him everything he had to say,
I was still in love with him, a thousand arguments about how to resolve the distance, about what I felt for him ....
and finally I said that I do not want more.
is painful even to write it.
Senita so I did not even once in my life.
is so physically painful that I do not see how to get to domanimattina.
really was not so direct and brutal
He said he can not do it to have a long distance relationship and that is I do not want more but do not feel that feeling stronger than before ... that knows ... do not know ... he kept repeating
sbam another blow to the teeth!
I finally did what no one should ever do, I pleaded, I prayed
to return with me, the cycle was starting to feel and then meet again, I offered to take some time to think.
but NOTHING,
then I announced that after closing the call sarabbe gone forever ( "but no I do not say so ") and that I would not have sought ever more ....
did a bit of history but then he said hello and closed.
feel an emptiness inside me that sucks the will to live.
I knew it was an option that he wanted me more and I was ready to accept it.
but it's so bad.
in 4years we never had a holiday together
never get the money or inclination to go three days in camp
has never had the desire or time to get to me when I was alone at the university but also at home .
or do something together when we were both in the same place
has never done anything for me
no momentum.
qusto knowing everything I should be glad it's over, glad I made a point of no return.
and instead just feel the tears fall on my face continuously, and
a monster in his chest that will not let me go.
will never return to me. there will be no more u us.

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want to be a robot!

I have not had time to return the man's cat is returned to the attack,
first with an email where he asked me if I went out and this morning I found a call at half past midnight on the phone.
must be just desperate!
admit that with the lack of attention to this last period I would tentatissima inviting him or in coming to me but I will remain faithful to you my good intentions for the new year.
This despite my roommate has spent the whole morning to propose an output 4 for hook up a friend in common ... then my little "sacrifice" for a good (its).
In fact he has a girlfriend .... in Belgium ... and this means that whenever we find ourselves alone start long conversations about life on the loves of happiness ... it was the subject today. you can always be happy? or peace is a pause between two World Wars, the happiness we are given a small dose and short? penarci we are destined to love for all life?
"N2O see, later this month will find me, but I do not feel more enthusiasm than before, is this normal? What should I do?"
Good question.
I was not able to address a report in 3 hours away, let alone one thousand two hundred km!
I think we should all give us a course of meditation, but rather that the basic material taught in schools along with the history and mathematics,
learn to focus our mind on a single object or get the complete absence of thought.
I would be very helpful now, in front of me there are sheets and sheets on the tilling, plowing, milling ... but every 5 minutes I find myself with staring out the window.
we're so damn human!

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Vanish with style

In many situations happen to feel embarrassed, out of place and / or place, and one of the worst discomfort you feel when you can not feel good in the relationships that we first met. May be situations of friendship, love, alone and causal knowledge, and what bothers us most is that it can not get away with an excuse to save us from addressing the useless and endless discussion. The vanishing is an art style that I struggled to learn. I can not, yet my test, alone, in front of the mirror are quite convincing. How convincing are the phrases with which I try desperately not to intervene in discussions or reports of the absurd past. Sooner or later we are all trapped in that vicious circle which is called "SE": if I remain silent? and if you had spoken? if I had / I'd thrown in his face one of those cakes that magically appear on the sets of sketcks? if I had acted differently ..... those questions that begin with "ifs" are generated by a lack of spirit and enterprise and initiative? Well, the only way out in cases of suffocation in the bonds is the output stage. Yes, like a Pirandello character by the many forms and nuances, we have to search through our masks that fits better with the dissolution of our bodies and our feelings towards that person. It 'difficult. They are rarely able to vanish with style, but those are few situations that over time have made me proud to resolve them quickly and at the same time delicate. No point wasting time, tears, sometimes money, ask for favors or quarrel with those who are not involved. When a difficult situation looks hopeless, perhaps the disappearance of saves from committing many mistakes and from being sick. I'm the silly phrase "learn from your mistakes" "mistake made me the person I am" because what we do not decide only with our worst moments, indeed. If a guy there enhances how you should not degnatelo a look, if a friend acts as a hypocrite, and avoid it if you need to discontinue the relationship friendly, if a friend just wants to blurt out around the little that you know, it away. All with style and try to have and to have less remorse possible. By saving your mind from the numerous "SE-Time" that strike us by surprise when we least expect it.

feel better, and at least I'm not sure of this because I am living!

thousand kisses

C.

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remorse or regret?


I'm making my case.
now back at university.
Although instead of my house with my roommates go directly to the house of his uncles that I have again entrusts the cat Well I'm happy anyway.
I hope for a good dose of positive emotions.
Usually when you have concerns you are having difficulty in falling asleep, while I have reversed phases.
Now I go to bed early (at ten o'clock yesterday I was in bed) and in a few seconds are in a dream world. first go to sleep before I stop to think about A.
his memory makes me so badly that in some moments I feel faint with anxiety.
But in the morning even before the alarm sounds are already there with eyes wide open, because I wanted to see and why I think of him, what does it do if I think, if you are with another, if it's just that I like that.
good day and this takes me all day. I'm also trying to
find the willpower to unsubscribe from facebook.
still going to hurt me on his profile and looking at the latest photos, then when I see the same old girl said or put I like then I reach the apex of the malaise.
I know I'm masochistic.
between twenty days is his birthday and I'm going to send a gift that will attach a short letter.
"I decided that it is better to fight with you and let a thousand times that try to be happy with someone else. Words will seem without rationality but these give you all my heart"
more or less something like that.
that the trust only to you and I already feel the criticism coming.
but now this idea I crept into the brain like a neon beacon that flashes constantly and I know they will not have peace until I did something.
better live with remorse but rubble is in regrets i.

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breakfast






here is a picture of my breakfast yesterday morning, just alluding to my little heart that every day for a month now I feel crushed by a freight train.
Since I made three more pictures that I think are particularly beautiful modest share them with you:

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vital problems

so hard to be women, and I do not say
thinking of the same gender or other intellectual issues, but
because this morning I woke up with ovaries who were trying to get out of their place as two pebbles annoying ... that sucks, could not uproot them and put them in a cold room?
Then if one day his son will take a tack! I defer to the place. So
end of the usual pains, the tampax (it will be the ultimate in convenience invented so far But still ...) in pill and everything it brings.
And then struggling to be women forced to epilate!
Oh yes, forced! Why so much Needless to say, is a question of mentality ... which is the company that has forced this idea of \u200b\u200bwomen "smooth", the grandmothers who first went with his arm style Amazon rainforest and the shin with his hair a jaunty.
of us, come the summer would have the courage to produce the knee-organic?
Not to mention what for me is an obsession: the eyebrows ... I'm always with them the damn tweezers to find the smallest nascent hair so as to eradicate it before it gets more time to grow more than half a millimeter!
Not to mention the cost of time and pain, the hairs that embodies evil, those who never grow up uniformly to the other so after five days you find yourself with another layer of fleece to be eradicated! I
cheper fortune are almost "bald" with my faithful silkepill think I've developed a skin from the dinosaur, I do not feel anything anymore.
But nobody thinks of us? Ok
have invented laser hair removal, but to eliminate a poor area as they leave the mustache 1500euro minimum, why not talk about legs armpits or groin ...
my utopian dream is to enter a beauty center with only a bag on his head to cover only hair eyelashes and eyebrows, put in the position of the man Leonardo and say "laserizzatemi" and end all the problems of a lifetime! Ferruccio
So dear for the sake of our physical and mental health what do you say to give all women Italy in a beautiful package of laser sessions?